A Habit of Gratitude

It is impossible to overstate the importance of developing good habits. In children, good habits develop their character. 

 

Parents of young kids work on teaching the habits of hygiene and good manners.

But perhaps the most important habit we can teach our children is the habit of gratitude. Gratitude enlarges the brain and develops empathy for others. Gratitude reflects a heart of understanding towards others. Gratitude enlarges the number of friends one has—because grateful people are happy people. In his book The Happiness Advantage Shawn Achor recommends that folks keep a gratitude journal. Achor is one of more than a dozen authors who recommend this practice for keeping us on track with a grateful heart. Today book stores and office supply stores stock a variety of cute gratitude journals—but what other ways can we model gratitude for our kids and others in our lives?

When my children were small one ‘game’ we played was a “go-around” in the car while everyone yelled one thing they were grateful for that day. We started the list with ‘A’ and tried to keep it going till we got to ‘Z’ and someone had to be grateful for the ever- present zebra.

Did this one habit change the lives of my adult children? Well, it helped! I can safely affirm that claim. While some sour-faced toddlers grew into temperamental preteens and moody adolescents, my clan— for the most part— learned to handle emotions with a more steady and calm assurance that

situations change and generally, with work, circumstances improve. 

When we first moved to Houston, Ted was pursuing a doctorate.  Times were tight. Our daughter was going to public school which meant LUNCH MONEY!!! Naturally, before sending our first grader off to school we often had to play “find the change in the couch cushions.” Not only was this a great way to avoid negative thinking during that time but it taught her that there could be FUN in the hard times! A side benefit: now that she is a mom of six children, she has mastered that game with her own kiddos years later!

Did we accomplish this grateful thinking 100% of the time— no. I lean toward the pessimistic side of the street while Ted resides permanently on the sunny side of life.

GRATITUDE IS WORK FOR ME—ESPECIALLY IF I HAVE MY FOCUS ON THE CIRCUMSTANCES. But this was the big lesson for our kids:

DO NOT FOCUS ON THE CIRCUMSTANCES

Reaping the benefits of gratitude today, I see my happy grandchildren often writing “thank you” notes in whatever imaginary handwriting they employ for the day.  They have been thankful for snails, frisbees, friends, and chocolate chips.  A recent conversation went like this…

Me, “ Thank you for the sweet note. Can you read it to me?”

Darling grandchild, “This says thank you for the cookie.”

Me, “What cookie?”

“The one you are going to give me, Silly.”

Gratitude has its pay off! 

Encourage THINKING–Not the Thought!

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”

― Margaret Mead

 

We think that when our children are small we want to encourage them TO THINK.

 

We delight in all their funny thoughts and repeat every witty comment every said over a meal or to a grandparent!

 

When Scott said to my sister, “Why doesn’t God just kill the devil? Oh I know! He has that pitch forky thing!” I thought we would double over laughing. The theology did not worry us! The four-year-old was  THINKING!!!!

 

 

They make home runs and we CHEER! They strike out and we say, “You’ll get ‘em next time!” Most of all, when they are young we are the BIGGEST cheerleaders. They make a 100 on their spelling test and we see visions of ‘writer’ in their future. They flunk a math test and we cross ‘engineer’ off the list of possible occupations and say, “The world has too many engineers anyway!”

We know they are going to be successful! 

 

 

When our darlings become adults we remember all those times they were the STAR OF THE SHOW!

 

From our perspective, they were destined for nothing but greatness.  Because of our perspective, we become disappointed when they don’t ‘reach their potential’ because of a thought they have.

 

 We try (sometimes not so gently) to get them ‘back on course!’ We KNOW they are destined for greatness and they just need a little push.

They just need a ‘tweak in their thinking…” OR IS IT THEIR THOUGHTS? 

Soon the push becomes a shove…and the shove… becomes our own frustration.

 Why do we push them? Because we still see the adorable child whom we wanted to succeed. We see the ballerina that just needed encouragement. We see the scholar that only needed someone to believe in him.

The truth is: our kids MAY NOT DEFINE SUCCESS THE WAY WE DO.  They may actually have different THOUGHTS than we do. 

They may not desire a corner office with a window; they may not even desire a corner office OR  any office AT ALL.

We wanted them to THINK and we encouraged their thinking! Now that they are thinking on their own, sometimes we are nervous, upset and even angry that the end of their thoughts did not lead them to the same destination our thoughts led us.

 

I am not romanticizing that we go back to believing in pixy dust and that the moon is made of green cheese, like when they were four…what I am proposing is that some of the basic ways to find truth might come back with different thoughts:

“We should learn to take care of the widows and orphans.”

        Hey Mom! We are adopting! Sure we can still conceive our own kids but we want to adopt.

 

“We should spread Jesus’ love to the ends of the earth.”

        Hey Dad! Last week we finally decided that our church’s missionaries need help! So we are taking the kids and going to _____ (fill in the blank with anywhere more than 200 miles away and preferably without clean water)

 

“We should put others above ourselves.”

    Yea, we know this is going to be hard on our family, but we prayed and we really feel like we need to take in this woman and her three kids while she gets on her feet.

 

 “As much as we can, we should owe no one anything except love.”

    We sold our second car. We are paying off all our debt. We can do this.

  

“As far as it lies within you, live peaceable with all men.”

    I am not gonna rock the boat on his lifestyle. Live and let live is what you taught me.
 

“He who doesn't take care of his family is worse than an infidel.”

    I am quitting my job. I can never be at home when he is home and it is just not worth it.
 

 

Encouraging thinking— not the specific thoughts:

JUST another super-power to parenting adult children. 

Lesson One: FAIL EPICLY

Psalm 57:7

7 My heart is steadfast, O God,

    my heart is steadfast!

I will sing and make melody!

A year ago  I was confident I heard the Lord tell me to sell my company and take a new adventure. The new adventure was the one I am on now: writing, blogging, speaking about parenting adult children. 

But, the sale of the company did not go. I regrouped and turned to sell shares in the company to generate the income I needed to be able to ‘step aside’ from my salary and begin this project.

Fail.

When that did not work either I stalled in this writing venture.

Even though all my kids were finished with school, I found it impossible to just close the doors and turn away.  There has still been no financial provision for my new venture but I taking the steps to pursue this calling of dialoguing with others about parenting our adult children.

Hebrews 10:35

35 Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.

A GOOD JOB TO FOLLOW YOU

Recently, a gal visited our church who had been called to be a midwife to Haiti. having seen the high  mortality rate of the mothers who had just given birth.  She realized that these mothers were leaving orphans because of very treatable infections and lack of knowledge.  According to her testimony, she told the Lord, “Lord, if you will just give me a good paying job while I am here in the states so I can pay these school bills, then I will go back to Haiti and deliver babies and keep mothers alive.”

Our pastor laughingly said, “Never tell God if He gives you a good paying job then you will follow. Go ahead and tell Him you will do it for free and depend on Him, because that is what has to happen every time, right?”

Right.

Although the world may see my company not selling as an epic fail I am choosing to see it as a great provision to increase my faith in the calling of this project.

I am not a great writer. I am not a great organizer or time manager. Every word will depend on the Lord. Every edit will depend on Him. The provision for the project will come from Him.

Jehoshephat knew that dependence when the men of Ammon and Moab and Mount Seir threatened to come and invade the Israelites.  King Jehoshaphat cried out the prayer I have prayed so many times:

 “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12

So why in the world would I beign with FAILURE as the first lesson in learning to parent adult children? Becuase we will fail them. We have failed them…

Why is FAILURE the first lesson in learning to parent our children who are now adults? Because we will fail them.  We have failed them.

We failed them as infants! Remember how SHOCKED we were that the nursing staff could be so incompetent as to let us leave the hospital with that baby that we knew NOTHING about raising?

And toddlers — do not get me started! I can never go back to that SuperCenter, since my toddler threw a fit because he wanted to leave, and then promptly threw up in the basket! News flash– we will continue to fail them.

Fail. Fail. Fail. 

But just as we continued to love and nurture them through the infant and toddler fails, we carry on in their adult lives. We cannot save our adult children from making mistakes (although most do not still throw fits in the middle of Target any more) or from unhappy days, broken hearts, rejection from friends (or siblings), lost jobs, or natural disaster. But we can show them where to look for comfort…

Philippians 1:6

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

My almost-joke prayer to the Lord is always, “Lord, you got me into this parenting thing. It was your idea not mine. You better do something here!”

Smiling, He does. He never fails.

How is my LIFE a practice?

This is an intro video to the whole project of PRACTICE PARENTING which includes focus groups, a dissertation, writing projects, conferences, blogs, and the actual daily practice of being a parent to adult children.

 

Why Do I Have to Practice Parenting?

We practice law. We practice medicine. Shouldn’t we practice parenting?

‘Practice parenting. That is what you are going to go with?”

My poor husband was baffled. After 15 months of talking about reopening my blog to discuss the phenomenon of being the parent to ALL adult children he was sure I would have a better title that PRACTICE!!

“Why do you have to practice this? You have been a mom for almost 40 years. Aren’t you a pro already?”

As a matter of fact, I am a pro. Dictionary.com defines  a professional is someone who is engaged in a profession. (Don’t you love when the definition tells you nothing?) But the word profession is defined as an occupation, especially one that requires PROLONGED training! (Emphasis all mine!).

I have been a parent over three decades and I have been ‘in training’ every day.

Check that one! I am a pro!

But the word practice is used to mean the carrying out or exercise of a profession. Of course you have most often heard this in the use of a law practice of the practice of medicine. Obviously we would all love to read a physician’s post after 35 years of treating the common cold on how to avoid the germs and make the illness pass more quickly, right? If an attorney who have been practicing a quarter of a century posts on how to draw up the unbreakable contract you would read that, right? Sure! 

So here I am: professional parent (because of the INTENSE and EXTENSIVE  training) and I am putting out my shingle to say: Welcome to my practice! 

Lots of us think we are still in the business of practicing— like Little League baseball: show up every day from 3-5 and take a swing and a miss until you get it right. Hence, my tagline: everything worth doing is worth practicing. That should let the readier know: I am still swinging and missing at being a parent to adults…but I am willing for you to grab a seat and watch me swing.

What I REALLY want from the readership is a lot of armchair coaches who can comment on how to better swing at how to celebrate your grown kids when they do something GREAT, like have a birthday! I hope to get coaching advice on posts about when to give advice to your kids and when to take the advice they are giving you.

My goal is that PRACTICE PARENTING can be both a sounding board for when we royally mess this up and an advice column when we truly want and need help.