Charge to the Graduates

Recently I gave a graduation address that reminded me that as parents of young adults we have to challenge our young adults to GROW UP and follow their calling. Maybe you need a reminder as well. 

Given May 4, 2018 at the PACES PAideia Graduation:

Our youngest son, Teddy, graduated from Liberty University in Business Administration in 2015.

 

Tonight you are symbolically crossing the threshold into your own life. And while this is only a fantasy to some —  it will be the night that you remember as the night you crossed from a child to an adult. Becoming an adult isn’t a modern concept.

Many millennial‘s would deny the necessity for the rite of passage into adulthood and scores of teens would urge you to become Peter Pan and refuse to grow up.

Some adults will tell you that you can continue to be a child as long as you can dream and imagine. The good news is this is TRUE! Young adulthood for you as a classically trained Christian adult will demand dreaming and imagination.

You will need to envision a world much better than the one you currently inhabit. You will need imagination to invent tools for problems we are yet to discover in ventures we have yet to explore.

You will need imaginations and dreams, but you will also need hope, virtue, and courage.

You must move out into the world with the hope that you are going out with a cause and purpose. That cause is to make your world a better place. How you do that, is as varied as your gifts and abilities.

But that you must do it, is non-negotiable.

You all have a calling on your life. And although the calling may take different mediums, we know that the calling was issued in Matthew 28:19 and 20. These verses  tell us that your  calling is to go.  You already figured that out. You have been looking forward to going since you were 13, if you are like most young adults.

And as you go, you are to make disciples, and you are going out into a world that may not only be antagonistic toward Christianity, but at times violently so. Remember when Jesus Christ gave the first disciples the Great Commission, he did so to followers who were going out into a world power that not only sought to shut off the ideology of Christianity, but to slay its bearers.

There may be days you feel like you were living in that same society. However, your calling to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ and to make disciples does not change.

As you go out with the hope that you will be changing the world for the good through the power of the Holy Spirit and with the gospel of Jesus Christ— you must also go out with virtue.

Obviously, as PACES graduates, you will be able to write epic essays and give brilliant oratory. Not to be overlooked,  you must first win your audience through your virtue. Remember, Quintillian reminds us that an orator is a good man (or woman) speaking well.  Regardless of what you have heard and seen about college students, you are called to be salt and light wherever the uttermost part of the world is for you.

This doesn’t mean that you will have no fun. On the contrary, through your virtue you will have enjoyable life-changing experiences that you will revel in telling your children and grandchildren about with unashamed faces. As many of us can testify, your college years can be the most impactful and dynamic of your Christian life. And these events and relationships can certainly set the stage for virtuous friendships and life-changing decisions to be made. Be ever watchful for those opportunities.

And finally, you must have courage. College campuses can be havens of academic and spiritual growth. They can also be Satan’s tempting ground to try your character. Remember that this is the furnace where your character is forged.

When faced with temptation, remember that this is your testing ground. Face this new environment of temptation the way you have faced all other temptations thus far in your life: remembering that the outcome of your testing is a strong and godly character.

Your support at college is as important as it was in your high school years–and now you are ready for the real lessons your family can teach you.

As I said at the beginning, you are crossing the threshold into adulthood. Although you have received a measure of success in your journey thus far, never hesitate to call on those of us from your past who encouraged you on this journey. A threshold doesn’t have to mean a closed door behind you. You may not feel ready, and honestly we may have some thoughts about that as well, but we all know that you are ready and you will cross the threshold and take the next step knowing that you can look forward with hope, virtue, and courage.

Additionally,  we know that you can look over your shoulder as we cheer you on with loving affection and belief in you. May the Lord continue to bless you as He has in the past with good friends, good parents, good teachers, and a mind given to you by the Creator of all things for his divine purpose to be fulfilled in your life.

 May God bless you tonight and always.

When Our Adult Children Are Angry (part two)

Turning Negative Actions into Positive Thoughts

Jon Gordon, author of The Energy Bus, in his blog recently stated the key to overcoming challenges lies in the ability to fight negative forces with love.

Attempting to use love to overcome anger, I have been examining my reactions to my children’s anger and determining how I could have met that negative energy with love.

Here are some things I know:

• I must love the struggle with my young adults because it makes me appreciate their intelligence when we work through a hard place together.

 

• I must love challenges because they make me stronger and cause me to change in ways I would not have done before.

 

• I must love the competition of fighting for time with their growing interests, hobbies, and jobs because it makes me better at appreciating their time as well as my own.

 

 

• I must love the negative people that say I will never be close to my adult children because they provide an opportunity to practice positivity in all my relationships to other young adults I know.

 

• I must love my adult children when they hurt me because they teach me forgiveness.

 

• Most of all, I must love my fear in this new journey with adult children because fear makes me more courageous.

Often, as the parent of young adults, I fail to see the benefit in the hard emotions of parenting because this is a new chapter in my parenting journey.  Since this is foreign, my mind says, “This must be wrong! I have never done it this way before!” New signals growth. New can signal an even better relationship than I previously thought possible.

New might mean more honest and mature.

Anger might be the immediate reaction to growth on the horizon; instead,

meet it with love, and positive thoughts will replace negative actions.

I must seek BETTER through love.

 

 

How do you fight negative actions with positive love? Leave a comment below!

Our Children ARE ANGRY with us!

I can’t believe you think that!

You don’t trust me!

I am not a child any more you can’t talk to me like that.

Even with all the emphasis we place on communicating well with our adult children—sometimes words will hurt. Feelings will get smashed. Sometimes our children become very angry with us.

As parents, we might try not to overreact to certain words or actions by our adult children.

We might even think we are doing a good job of not overreacting only to hear, “You are so judgmental. You overreact to everything.”

Even though we feel like we are being reasonable and logically presenting our concerns over how they spend their money or the friends they are choosing—they may not appreciate this (or other) unsolicited advice. Often our adult children hear screaming when we feel we are speaking in a controlled tone.

And then there are the times we REALLY ARE SCREAMING!  

Your children will get mad at you. And you can bet it will be at the WORST possible time.

A few days before Rachelle (my first daughter to have a big church wedding!)  got married, she and I fought over something. I can’t remember what the issue was, but I DO remember running up the stairs yelling behind me, “Don’t follow me up! I am going to my room and lock the door.” Rachelle returned the volley with, “You can’t run away from me! I am your daughter!” 

That really happened. I can’t make this stuff up.

Rule #1: Contain the emotion. 

Don’t act like I acted. Be the adult.  Jon Gordon of The Energy Bus defines emotion as energy in motion. If your child’s decisions have made your energy NEGATIVE energy, go for a walk or ride a bike before engaging in the conversation. Don’t put your NEGATIVE energy into motion through emotion.

Rule #2: Focus on the issue … and keep it short.

If you disagree with their choice of job, habits, friends… speak your opinion and make a logical case. Then leave it alone. Avoid long explanations that validate your opinion. If you sell them on the first point you have given them enough to explore your point of view. You will not argue them into agreement.

No one ever changed their mind about something through long posts on Facebook. Your FACE-TO-FACE is no different.

Your adult children are MORE than the issues that divide you…do not let the issues separate you!

Rule #3: Acknowledge the bond between you. 

If emotions run out of control: DON’T RUN THE OTHER WAY.

Unlike me running up the stairs, calmly say something like, “We are not going to agree on this, but we do agree that I am on your side and want the best for you, right?”

Sometimes even this blows emotion back in your face because your offspring thinks you are patronizing. When that happens find some way to make a bridge, even a small one, back to your child.

We often tell our young children, “It is more important to be kind than to be right.”

Can you employ that motto today with your adult children?

What topics cause anger between you and your adult children? How do you show you are on their team even when you disagree. I would love to read your comments below.

 

Respecting Our Children

“I have forgiven him for 15 years for this behavior. Now, I am through. We are not inviting him to any more holidays until he dates better women!”

  

“He settled for this career. He should have been a doctor or at least a dentist. He had so much potential.”

 

 “She deserted the family when she went to California. Now she is lonely and it is her own fault.”

 

Remembering good times with our children helps us respect them more.

Often not holding past offenses against our adult children proves difficult. Like their parents, our children make mistakes. All mistakes have consequences. Some mistakes have larger consequences than others.

Our kids deserve respect in good times and difficult!

 

We can’t change the past with its irrefutable consequences, but we can frame how we talk about their failings—just as we would want them to do for us.  If nothing can be done to undo a bad decision, such as an accident while driving drunk, then we file that knowledge and act accordingly: without harassing the person who made the mistake once s/he acknowledges the error.

How do we move forward?  What can we do to prevent future decisions that cost our kids their potential?

Start with RESPECT. We have to pray for our emotions and feelings. We then let our actions guide our emotions and thoughts. We ACT out of RESPECT. We move toward them with RESPECT.

The phrase “people do what people see” advises us to RESPECT our kids so they can RESPECT themselves and act out of RESPECT for others.

Sometimes we can LEARN to respect our kids!

 

It begins with us. Do we:

R — Respect our kids and exhibit self-respect. Instead of asking for respect, do we give it and earn it?

 

E — Exceed the expectations of others. Do I set the the bar higher for myself than anybody else sets it for me?

S — Stand firm on convictions and values?

P — Possess maturity and demonstrate it by responding like an adult?

E — Experience a healthy family life by encouraging others and remaining positive?

C — Contribute to the success of others? Are we their biggest fan?

T — Think ahead of others. Are we pro-active in our relationships? Do we anticipate our response and improve upon it or do we simply react and let the chips fall where they may?

There is no easy way to continually respond with respect toward our adult children. We have to accept that we have done it imperfectly in the past.

As psychologist Carl Rogers remarked,

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Being who I really am is the first step in becoming better than I am.

Communication: Listening

Last week I stated:

Frequency of communication can vary with every family and every season.

Instead of focusing on HOW OFTEN 

FOCUS ON: 

WHAT should I communicate with my adult children?

And just as I was about to press “PUBLISH” 

I got this text:

Am I ever gonna hear your voice again? It has been 40 forevers!

 

Back to the drawing board.

 

 

Rule #1 in dealing with adult children: 

Just as you figure it out

 the rules will change. 

When they were teens asking lots of questions and ‘checking in’ were being nosey and irritating–now they want us to check in and ask questions. 

 

What is the trick to keeping up with what my adult kids need to communicate with me?

Listening Skills

 

 

This appears to be so simple and it is anything but easy. 

 

It seems that somewhere between high school graduation and reentry into your home as a self-reliant adult our children learn a different language. We have to PROBE for real answers to their questions and we have to learn question for meaning.

John Maxwell teaches the LADDER of listening. How do you rate yourself when you are speaking with your adult children? 

LADDER…

LOOK      at the person speaking

My kids know they do not have my full attention when I am looking at my phone. How about you?

 

 

ASK        questions to clarify their message

Recently upon hearing some about a problem from the daughter in the picture above I said, “Oh, I see you need my help with that?” My daughter was, “No, there isn’t anything you can do. I just wanted you to know.” OH!! Good thing I asked!

 

 

Do NOT      interrupt

Nothing says disrespect like trying to finish a sentence for someone else.

 

Do NOT      change the subject

I am terrible about this! My son was trying to tell me about an experience he had while he was in the Marines on Iwo Jima. Since my Dad has served there, this was an emotional topic and I knew I was going to end up crying. I tried to say something to move the conversation to Scott’s time in the service or ANYTHING ELSE. Then, it struck me that this was an emotional moment for HIM too. I stopped, looked him in the eye and listened with all my heart—as all four of our eyes filled with tears.

 

Emotions:      Check you EMOTIONS at the door when listening

The story of listening to my son WAS an emotion we could both share. Anger is NOT an emotion you want to share with your adult child. If they are infuriating you simply say, “Give me a moment. I need to check my emotions on this.”  Be the adult. Do not become angry—it is a choice.

 

RESPOND      when listening! 

At the end of the conversation try to respond with a positive action (if needed) or at least words of encouragement in the particular situation. When one of my daughters was thinking of going back to school to get her midwifery degree she talked it out with her dad and I. It reminded me of a conversation I had years ago with my own Dad when I wanted to start a new venture. It was one of the few times in my life my Dad did not encourage me. Although I thought Rachelle was biting off more than she could chew with the new degree, her two jobs and six kids, I knew it was her calling. Encouraging her, I promised to edit her papers while she was in school. And yesterday she took me up on it!

Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give your adult children.

What thoughts do you have on listening well? Please comment below.

Communication: Part Two

Parents of adult children say:

In our day the adage was “cut the apron strings at 18 and send them on their way!” That never happens now!

If she doesn’t text me three times a day I know something is wrong.

We have a “know to need “policy. We know when he needs something.

How much should I communicate with my adult children?

Will they think I am nosey if I call too often?

Will they think I have forgotten them if we only talk once a month?

Do your adult children enjoy checking in with you every day or two? GREAT! Or are your adult kids busy in their careers and family life and only call or visit once a month or so. Not unusual.

The question is not FREQUENCY of communication but the nature of the communication that should alert parents that an adjustment might need to be made in their relationship.

Margo calls her mom every day. As a career gal she checks in on her way to work to ask her mom’s opinion about the day Margo has planned. Margo details the work-out she had that morning before heading to work. She worries about maintaining her weight and asks her mom to research diets and nutritional for her. Last week Margo broke up with a guy she had been dating for three months. She could not put her finger on what was wrong with the relationship but she was sure something was not quite right. Her mom said it best when she explained to Margo, “You are just not soul-mates!” Even though Margo lives three states away she is never far from her mom.

Kent feels left out. He has five siblings still at home and wants to stay in touch with them. Since going off to college three years ago, he feels that the family has abandoned him. Although he talks to one of them every other day or so he does not feel like he “gets” them any more. Last month, when one older sister told Kent that another sister had become “really serious” with a boyfriend Kent could not believe that he was just now hearing about it. It is as if Kent has moved to another planet and his family has forgotten him!

Frequency of communication can vary with every family and every season.

Instead of focusing on HOW OFTEN

FOCUS ON: 

WHAT should I communicate with my adult children?

Most young adults have busy lives and we suspect they are “just too busy to call home.” But research tells us that the opposite might be true. 

Studies from the General Social Survey in 2017 show that young adults (especially Millennials) are lonely and getting lonelier. 

“Zero” is the most common number of confidants, reported by a quarter of those surveyed in 2017 when asked how many people they could talk to about “important matters.” 

It is not the multitude of words or  frequency of communication that determines a relationship but the depth of the message.

On the day of our 40th anniversary lots of the kids gathered to celebrate and the communication was fun and LOUD!!!

Deep connections are not all made with a daily check-in or advice on what to eat for breakfast. Connections are made through substantive concern and encouragement of what matters most to others.

A letter from John, our oldest son, reminds me that WHAT I say matters more than how often I speak. The letter came shortly after he had been at college. “Your sacrifice to send me here is not unnoticed,” the letter begins. For six concise paragraphs  John thanks and encourages Ted and I to “seek those things which are above and set [our]mind on things above, not on things on the earth. (Colossians 3:1-4).

We did not then, nor do we now speak to John every week. But he never doubted we were on his team and his greatest fans… until he got married and had two kids. Now we are members of the growing fan club!

One of these guys is the chairman of the fan club but through texts, letters, phone calls they all know Ted and I are on the club!

In my communication to my adult children I need to be encouraging them. I need to encourage them to stay the course in their marriage, their parenting, their calling, their schooling, and especially the hardest things in life.

They can pretty much figure everything else out for themselves.

These guys remind me… COMMUNICATE…. each in their own way!

PS Just as I was about to post this I get a text from a daughter (who may or may not be in this picture!)

“Am I ever gonna hear your voice again? It has been 40 forevers! “

SO…

Sometimes it is about the frequency! More on that next week.

Have communication advice or issues with your adults? Please comment below.

Culture Changing (Part Two)

According to Brian  Zahnd in Beauty will Change the World,  Prince Vladimir the Great  realized that a common religion would unify his Russian people.  On becoming the monarch of Kiev, Vladimir sent delegations across the globe searching for the ‘perfect unifying religion.’ The delegation came up short.

Although some religions were abstract or theoretical, others were dour and obscure and none could mystify and unite the Russian people. Then, the delegation returned from the Byzantine capital of Constantinople. The words of the delegation personify the importance of culture to all of us:

Then we went to Constantinople and they led us to the place 
where they worship their God, and we knew not whether we were in heaven or earth, for on earth there is no such vision nor 
beauty, and we do not know how to describe it; we only know 
that God dwells among men. We cannot forget that beauty.  *

What can I DO to add culture changing activities into my family/corporation?

1. Create 

Encourage every opportunity for your children to create. 

Creating food together sets the tone for communication and connection. 

Create real products

My husband can do anything with his hands. He is very skilled with a hammer and nail. He is also skilled with a tile cutter, saw, drill, paint brush, and edger. He creates beauty in and around our home. That creativity changes the culture for us.

Instead of cursing the darkness of immoral messages in movies, illegible prose, and heinous poetry encourage your children to explore all avenues to CREATE culture.

Terah is the baby sister. Everyone believes she can change the world… but we ALL want her to play it SAFE while she is doing so! 

2. Look for where change needs to happen

Instead of believing that they are too young or small and the problems are too big and scary— look for where change needs to take place.

When Terah was in college she told me she was working to end human trafficking. I actually thought, “What? Are you kidding? You barely weight 100 pounds! What are you gonna do? Beat up the pimps and traders?” On the outside I said, “That’s GREAT! What’s the plan and who are you going to be working with?”

I was smiling on the outside and praying on the inside.

Do not discourage ANY change in the culture for the good!

My girls love to text and share pics! This was a share the love day!

3. Never underestimate the power of yours words!  Speak life into your world.

The power of life is in the tongue. Change your culture through your words!

SAY: 

• You are instrumental in a movement that saves the lives of women and children!
• You are changing how people think of giving birth.
• You have made a life changing difference in the life of that family!
• You are a brilliant mom raising brilliant children!
• You are becoming a lawyer that will lock up the bad guys and set the innocent free!
• You are a crusader for social justice!
• You are righting the wrongs of your past!

ENCOURAGE DREAMS! 

 

“The first step – especially for young people with energy and drive and talent, but not money -the first step to controlling your world is to control your culture.

To model and demonstrate the kind of world you demand to live in.

To write the books. Make the music. Shoot the films. Paint the art.” Chuck Palahniuk (writer)

Culture changing starts with one small attitude and influence. Today: change your culture for the better!

Tell me some of your culture changing experiences below!

*CS Lewis The Weight of Glory

Changing Our Culture (Part One)

You are going to be president of the United States!

Someday you are going to write a best selling novel!

I bet you play that violin in the Kennedy Center someday!

You are going to be on Broadway!

When our children are born we KNOW they will change the world. They are going to be leaders and culture changers!  Then they hit puberty and we wonder if they will ever remember to put their shoes away!  Don’t despair! The inner-leader and culture changer still lives inside!

Remind yourself that your kids were created for GREATNESS!

Our culture needs change-makers! 

Culture can be defined as “the social behavior and norms found in human societies” according to our favorite source, Wikipedia.

When your children were at home you created a culture for them. In your culture you might have:

• Eaten meals with utensils
• Asked everyone to put away their own dishes
• Set regular bedtimes
• Encouraged teeth brushing
• Snuggled

To evaluate what culture you created ask yourself:

Did our culture allow loud voices?

Did our culture encourage throwing balls in the house?

Did our culture use slang or swear words?

Did our culture value other’s property?

Was it a culture of cleanliness or messiness?

Did everyone wear shoes in the house or “get comfortable”?

Was truth valued above “messing up”?

Was progress the goal or was perfection the aim?

All those answers add up to what kind of a culture you were building: formality or casualness; closeness or distance; transparency or appearances?

Think of a situation 10 or more years ago when things weren’t going well at home. What happened to change that culture?

When Ted and I were first married we valued accomplishment in our home culture. The more speaking gigs, business trips, appointments, engagements and demands on our time the better we felt about ourselves.  We set a goal to be “booked solid” every day and every night.  That led to a culture of distance in our marriage. After 10 years of building that culture, I prepared to walk out.  No longer did I want to live in a culture that supported a distant relationship with my husband and our two children.  Ted responded with a RADICAL culture change.  He resigned from his job, had a giant garage sale, and loaded up a U-Haul trailer to move us to Houston, Texas.

He changed the culture of our family for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes we need a drastic culture change to build the life we want. 

If you want to change the world—start at home.

Culture begins at home. Here are a few of the ways we changed our culture in our home so our kids could change the culture in the world:

1. Start small.

Change the atmosphere in your home by being positive when others are negative.

• Reward encouragement.
• Discourage complaining.
• Encourage everyone to make someone else’s bed and do chores for one another.

2. Encourage uniqueness! 

Encourage everyone in your home to “stay in her swim lane!” The ones that play frisbee— encourage them to be the best and teach your younger siblings to do the same. Piano as a gift? Enjoy that music without forcing all the take lessons!

3. Ask for forgiveness. 

Teach children not to run from problems or mistakes but instead run TO them. Admitting mistakes is a HUGE leadership lesson that needs to be learned early! Model asking for forgiveness— especially from your adult children.

4. Practice perseverance

Teach them that anything worth doing is HARD. Teach them to KEEP AT IT. Culture changers work for years on projects no one sees and no one believes are worth the effort.

5. Evaluate what is read, heard, viewed in your home

Culture is what we live. What we read affects our attitude. What we see affects what we think. What we think affects what we do. What we do affects those around us. Those around us ARE our culture. They are not the MEANS to the END of changing culture. They are the culture itself. They live it every day! 

 

Change the attitude, the thinking, the behavior and you change the culture

These are ways to THINK about culture changing in our home. Next week I am going to talk about a broader picture with more ACTION ITEMS.

What is the culture in your home? What have you done to RADICALLY improve it?

I would love to hear your stories of the culture in your home!

Motivating our Adult Children

John Maxwell tells the story of the man who, walking home late one night, took a short cut through a grave yard. Little did he know that a new grave had been dug that day. In the dark, the man fell into a deep newly dug grave.  After an hour of trying to dig his way out he finally lie down and took a nap. Sure enough, a second man coming home late made the same mistake and falls into the same open grave. As expected, the second man tries and tries to claw his way out of the grave. Waking the other man in the grave, he hears someone say, “Give up! It’s no use trying to get out of here.” Immediately, the second man bounded out of the grave!

What was the difference: the power of motivation. 

Two of my sons who were ‘late readers.’ I take all the blame. I loved reading to them! Naturally, WHY would they need to struggle to do something that someone else LOVED doing for them?

Both guys became motivated in upper grade school and began reading like scholars. Both young men graduated two years early from high school and went on to receive college degrees in record time. The oldest has received a masters’ degree and the youngest is currently enrolled in law school.

MOTIVATION made the difference.

Teddy and John  both participating in motivating Trace at Trace’s “Becoming a Man of Influence 13th Birthday Bash. Of course, Brandy is ALWAYS along for the ride!

You may be asking how can I motivate my adult child to… get a job? Move out? Take seriously his commitments? Finish what she started?

FIRST: BELIEVE IN THEM

You have to BELIEVE in your child and SPEAK affirmations! Your words have power! Are you encouraging—NOT FLATTERING? 

YOU MUST TRULY believe in them.

PRAY.

Ask to see your children through God’s eyes…THEN SPEAK THAT VISION! Do not waste your words on small encouragement such as, “You make a mean barbecue!”  Speak words of significance into your children:

You are doing so much so well! God is really going to use your company to bless others!

Son, God is going to use all this education for His Glory and the benefit of mankind! You are going to change the world!

You are the kindest person in dealing with those young children. No wonder everyone wants you to be their Nanny!

Your skill and humility are the perfect leadership combo for this job. What a blessing you are to these people you are working with!

Focus on their character and gifts. Touch their heart before you ask for their hand in accomplishments.  They ARE STILL THOSE TINY HUMANS God gifted to you as a parent.

SECOND: WALK THE TALK 

Do you want your children to do the hard things? Then, accept someone else’s challenge for you! STRUGGLE in front of your kids!  If you are want your adult children to take more of an interest in their health… yep, you gotta join the gym. Want them to finish their degree? Take some continuing ed classes.  MODEL for your children what you want them to accomplish.

LASTLY, (and this is my favorite!)

GIVE THEM A REPUTATION TO UPHOLD

Nahum and Sophia have heard LOTS of stories about their dad in this room!

 

My favorite activity with my grandchildren is tucking them in at night and telling LOTS of stories of when their parents were young.

I love retelling how brave their daddy acted, when (at eight years old!) he refused to allow me, HIS MOTHER, to put out signs stating our address. I was trying to help someone relocate their lost dog that we had found. John did not want me to be unprotected while his dad was out of town.  A reputation to protect those you care about.

There is the story of their mom (my daughter) who was the youngest in her gymnastics class and worked for weeks to do a back flip even after the older girls had moved on, just because she would not give up. A reputation of determination!  

Motivation  means inspiring others to be what they were created to be… especially if they are our children. 

Celebrating LOVE with our Adult Children

Celebrations with young children range from chaos to cute and creative. We do not seem to mind having glitter in our hair and cake frosting on the cabinet if the mess brings smiles to our delighted faces of our toddlers and preschoolers.

Annual Easter Egg Party: one way everyone feels love…especially Grandaddy! 

I recently asked several moms of adult women:

‘Why is sending a card to your daughter so hard?” 

 One mom told me, “She is an adult now. She has to grow up sometime.”

Another two moms:

“I buy her too many presents at Christmas so I don’t need to tell her that I love her during the year. I have already spoiled her rotten. She knows I love her.”

“She has a husband to love her now. She is his responsibility.”

Growing up does not mean growing out of appreciating love and affection. 

Maybe we DID spoil them as little girls. Maybe we were too hard when they were teens–but this is a NEW DAY!

Giving our kids a day to enjoy their spouses while we LOVE on the grands is another way to show love. Charla’s love language is CRAFTS. And boy does she show me love in this department!

 

Dear Mother,

They never outgrow the delight in knowing we adore them. They never outgrow the need to know that we KNOW they were created for greatness. They never outgrow our love.

These two stanzas, the very heart of the great poem, “The Ancient Mariner,” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834), sum up the lesson of this masterpiece

He Prayeth Best.

Farewell, farewell, this I tell

To thee, thou Wedding Guest!

He prayer well we liveth well

Both man and bird and beast

He prayeth best who loveth best

All things, both great and small:

For the dear God who loveth us,

He made and loveth all.

Loving our children is like dancing—we know we are not doing it right, but we have to keep listening for the music. (And try to keep our opinions of doing it WRONG to a minimum!)

 Most of us go through times of indulgence, overprotectiveness, or being too harsh and becoming bitter. Admitting one of these faults to ourselves and our children makes up the mental gymnastics of a good portion of our days. 

As a Christian parent, I have to ask myself if I am loving my child “best”–the way God loves me…and therefore the “right way,” or if I am following the culture and loving my child through permissiveness or laziness or perfectionism?

This all sounds like advice for toddlers but our role as the parent does not change,  though the physical act of day-to-day care is constantly changing.

Parents to adult children worry that they won’t get it right. The transition to ‘adulting’ our adult children may some days appear hard and some days seem very natural to us. But like dancing, we keep moving to the music and a few steps fall in line.

How do you show love to your adult children?

Do you know their love language? How important is that? 

How do your adult children show you love? 

I would love to hear your comments below or you can email me at word.with.johnnie@gmail.com