Johnnie Seago is a national conference speaker who is passionate about building leadership in families. As the mother to eight adult children, she desires families to learn to connect and communicate to build a community of support. She extends her leadership and team building experience to schools, businesses, and civic groups.
Johnnie’s messages equip leaders to:
Find their strength in the design God used to create them
Find their purpose for which God created them
Partner with others for support in reaching goals
Commit to the dreams God has placed on their heart
Become accountable for their success as leaders
Johnnie’s ministry to families includes:
Helping families transition from childhood to adulthood
Teaching parents to communicate with their adult children
Working through difficult situations as teens become adults
Providing resources and ideas for productive grand-parenting
Johnnie and her husband, Ted has been married for 40 years. They live in the suburbs of Houston, Texas on a lake where they enjoy boating and water sports and the occasional day of floating and reading.
If this a true statement for us as parents, it goes double for the accomplishments of our children. As parents of adult children, we babysit, we encourage, we might buy books, or pay tuition. We want the success of our kids so desperately, that often we forget to affirm those accomplishments with words and tokens.
One of my daughters is especially good at presenting tokens. She always has the perfect token to symbolize some wonderful accomplishment. A small key on a bracelet for the purchasing of a sibling’s first house, is one example. When her sister’s house flooded and all was lost she and her brother snuck out the headboard of the baby bed (where six babies had slept) and repurposed it to be a giant picture frame spotlighting all those babies. This past Christmas she presented matching tumblers to her newly-graduated brother and his wife saying, “Dr.” and “My husband is a Dr.” She always seems to know exactly how to memorialize the special event.
Taking a page from my daughter’s playbook, today I am bringing ten wooden gliders to a party at another daughter’s ranch. What are we celebrating? A third sister and her husband are flying in from Florida in their very first plane having received their pilot’s licenses and overhauled a small airplane. It is a pretty big event to celebrate!!!
My husband is a hopeless romantic. Every occasion I can depend on him to produce a personalized plaque, card, basket, or piece of jewelry to commemorate Valentines’ Day, or Anniversary, or my birthday. I, on the other hand, always find a practical “I know you needed this,” kind of gift. He wins the award for celebrating, not tolerating every holiday.
How about you? Can you celebrate every little moment? Are you totally present in the time you have with your adult kids? How do you celebrate?
“I always knew he would be an architect. Now he builds lego masterpieces with his kids.”
“I thought she would be a nurse because she was always so caring. She delivered babies until her husband needed her to run their construction company.”
“All her friends always told her their problems. I thought she would be a therapist! I guess she kind of is…she is a youth pastor!”
Parents who look at the kids’ past and see the future
How much fun and intriguing it is to watch our toddler obsess over construction vehicles and believe he will grow up in construction. Or on seeing a sweet one putting a band aid on a baby doll to sooth an ouchie, we just know he is going to be a doctor or nurse.
Are these just sentimental memories? Perhaps but as with most thoughts that never turn into conversations we should affirm and remind our adult children of their innate tendencies. People often quote truisms of how we applaud and reward our children for ALL their tender acts and daring feats as children, but seldom as adults. This is just one more way we can affirm the goodness in our adult children.
How are you affirming your kids today by reminding them of who they were and who they have become?
“Mom, I appreciate your apology but I really don’t think it happened that way.”
“Sweetheart, you were only 15, I can’t expect that you knew then what you know now!”
“Yes, it could have had much worse consequences, but it didn’t. Let’s remember to forget that ever happened, ok?”
From parents of adult children or adult children to their parents on events they want to forget
Every time I have this memory I cringe. Public park and my young daughter was exposed to something she never should have been. And what did I do? I avoided the situation. Fortunately, an older woman with older children quietly and directly removed the objectionable object.
it happens
All of us have memories of incidents we regret with our children. Perhaps there were words spoken in anger or acts committed when we lost our temper. Or maybe, like me, you just failed to take action when needed.
Whatever our very personal and individualized regret one thing is universal: we all have them.
What to do with the pain of regret? How do we move passed our past?
grateful for the pain
If we are having regret over words or actions we have taken against our adult children it is time to take a gratitude break. Nope, not kidding. Think of all the circumstances surrounding the regret. I mentioned that I have a regret about not being present for my daughter when she needed me. Instead of focusing all my attention on the immediate incident when I let my child down, I visualize the entire scene: the park location, the others we were with, my husband’s job that brought us to that park, the safe travel we had there and back, the fact that my daughter was not physically harmed etc. By “zooming out” I can see that although I failed in that moment, all the good things in the scene make me aware of why the event was painful: in comparison to all we had going RIGHT that act felt very WRONG.
The pain of my regret reminds me that I have a higher standard for the way I respond and react to my kids. Good enough is NOT good enough and that is GOOD!
My shortcomings hurt because I know I can do better and that my kids deserve better. If anything could be gained by an apology I would CERTAINLY apologize to my kids. However, often I have apologized only to have a kid tell me, “that never happened Mom! It was your imagination.”
If it ever comes back to them–I hope I get credit for the regret and the apology.
What are you regretting? How are you handing your regret?
“Remember when you pulled that hook out of your finger and didn’t even cry so you could go camping with your Dad? What a guy you were!”
“I was thinking of how grateful I am for our life and remembered when you were 10 and starred in that play! You were amazing!”
“Remember when we were buying you a suit at JCPenny and you were studying Latin while the clerk rang up our bill? She was amazed any 14-year-old would love Latin! You have always been amazing people.”
As I look back on my 40ish years of parenting I sometimes give myself a A- and sometimes a C+ for how often I effectively praised my children. Of course, I ALWAYS thought they were the best and brightest…didn’t you?
However, there were times when I failed to tell them.
This week I am away from home in a beach town. Everywhere we go armfuls of children are making merry with their moms and dads. Unsurprisingly, I travel back in time to the season we took armfuls of children to the beach, skiing, site seeing, soccer practice, ballet recitals, and piano lessons.
What am I doing with all those memories?
Have I headed toward nostalgia lane to become sad about being older and an empty nester? Just the opposite. As I think of all those busier times I send texts like, “Just for the record, I STILL believe you are the best fiddle player Ms. Robin ever taught.”
“Remembering your wedding reminds that you ALWAYS think of the smallest humans and have compassion for them.”
“Remember your first ‘no hands’ cartwheel? I do. I am remembering the poem you taught yourself to overcome your fear and feeling proud all over again.”
“Thanks for being the Renaissance Man who could play sports, read Latin, sketch, paint, play the drums, and build legos as if each activity were your best. You make me so proud.”
what’s the point?
What is my goal in sharing all this praise? Am I trying to bolster their self esteem? Overcome something I said last holiday that was unflattering? Building a defense against an unappreciative spouse? Nah. I am just reminding them that who they are now is even better than they tell themselves because they have been unique, gifted, and loved by God and momma for a very long time.
My eight adult children are ALL very unique. With unique personalities and temperaments they ALL need their own language. It is my joy to learn their language. Eight adults with spouses makes me multi-lingual.
“It’s not a crime that my daughter needs attention.”
“He did a great job on that paper; make sure you tell him!”
“She really needs a little peace and quiet right now. We can talk later.”
“A good ‘to do’ list will perk her right up every time!”
Parents of Adult Children describing the needs of their kids
Knowing the temperaments of our adult children helps us to know their needs.
Last weekend I sent a group text with a link asking for all my kids to take the Temperament Test. After they took it they all posted on our family What’s App the results. Before I sent them the link, I wrote down what temperament I thought they were.
Oh Brother! Was I surprised!
I am a choleric married to a choleric. You can imagine. A choleric needs to feel that we are responsible, decisive and good at delegating. We excel at managing projects and that often leaves the other one in our relationship feeling like a project to be managed. With a tendency toward becoming loud and controlling, as parents we often found ourselves “checking” the other to pump the brakes on our emotions. With all this energy we knew we would raise a whole family of LOUD aggressive world changers…
You think I would have learned after raising teenagers that you can never predict them!
Only one of my kids turned up choleric!!! What? I think I was confusing leadership for bossiness! My girls are leaders but they don’t exhibit bossiness and they don’t have a need to take credit for their work, like a choleric. They just want the work to GET DONE!!
get it done
One of my most “get it done” gals tests as melancholy! Well of course NOW I get that is why she is so good with the clients on their building projects. She gets their need for sensitivity to the color of their tile and texture of their carpet! Since melancholic humans also need words of support I get how great it makes her feel for her dad to always ask about her projects.
Although she “knows how to work a room” Rachelle has always told us she was introverted and needed space and silence. Her scores proved she wasn’t fibbing about that!
respect, harmony, lack of stress and worth
Three of my children ranked as phlegmatic, which means they value respect, harmony, lack of stress, and a feeling of worth. Growing up in a home of eight children apparently made them appreciate HARMONY. Several began in the world as overachievers, always good in sports, and brilliant in school. Accolades came easy from friends, coaches, and me, their mother. It wasn’t until they were adults, that one of them told me that praise for his work was not the same as giving him a feeling of worth. In recent days I have attempted to comment on their character, their kindness, their attitudes toward their children, and impart what great humans I believe they are.
complimenting the temperaments
When she was 14 one of my “now-daughters” was a friend who moved into our house as a best friend to another daughter of ours. Nikki was God’s gift to us that year because of her beautiful fun spirit. Our daughter, Rachelle, Nikki’s best friend at the time, was experiencing severe depression over the loss of her grandfather. Nikki’s sanguine accepting, affectionate personality rubbed up against Rachelle’s need for support and safety during that very blue period. Even now every big birthday or special event features Nikki as the party planner. Recently she DJ’ed our school staff dance and the entire faculty was able to feed her the words she loves to hear: how she brings the magnetic attention to everything she does.
never too old
As a grandmother of 21 grands, I must always be learning something new. Even though speaking the words that fill up my children is new to me I am learning. The book which is teaching me much of this info comes with a workbook and even an app with videos of a therapist talking to actual persons with these temperaments. The book, I Said This You Heard That, came to me as a gift and a true gift it has been. Kathleen Edelman, the author, sharply executes the lessons in ways that make the material stand out for your retention.
I hope you learn the language of your adult children.
“I just wanna to talk to her about fun stuff in my life. I am tired of heavy!”
“Can we just seek for peace when I come home to visit?”
“I just wanna put her house and life in order because my mom is just a MESS!”
Adult Children Who Need to Speak Words of Encouragement to Their Parents
Speaking Love in Every Language…
Never having loved studying the temperaments, I entered into the study called “I Said This, You Heard That” by Kathleen Edelman with much caution. Only because a well respected friend and teacher recommended AND GAVE ME THE WORKBOOK did I begin the reading. (Note to self: If I REALLY want someone to read a book I should buy it for her!)
SPOILER ALERT: I AM ONLY THREE WEEKS INTO THE SIX WEEK STUDY SO IT COULD STILL GO SOUTH… HOWEVER,
Living examples through the video (on the free app downloaded with the study) make the material SO ACCESSIBLE for me to apply to my adult children it is impossible to call it a wash. Although I have read about the temperaments before I have never studied them in the context of the words I hear and speak. This has made all the difference.
Although the study is not specifically written to parents and their adult children, each session does talk about how to apply that lesson to parenting,,
The in-take assessment of course, focuses on the parent and what OUR temperaments include. However, as a career parent (I just made up that term meaning I have been a parent for 40 years so that has to equal at least one career!) reading through the material brought to mind all the thousands of times I “misheard” something one of my children said.
my melancholy daughter
“I didn’t say I wanted to move out! I said I wanted a house with less chaos and more organization!”
No joke. My 16-year old melancholic just wanted to organize my life for me. I wish I could have heard that and allowed her to do that (Lord knows I could have used the organization with five other humans in the house!). Instead, through my choleric ears I heard a condemnation of the way I could never keep the laundry and schoolwork done at the same time!
the phlegmatic son
“Can we please just try to get along and not argue when we don’t get our way?”
This statement, from a 17-year old phlegmatic who had graduated from high school and was pursuing a career in academics and politics, really irritated me. At this young age his “super-smarts” caused me to become alert to everything that sounded like criticism from his mouth. Now, almost 20 years later I hear him “sue for peace” on the daily. It is his nature, the way God wired him as a phlegmatic who seeks calm and harmony in all the words he speaks and hears.
the sanguine twins
“Dad and I wanna go to Disney for graduation instead of a cap and gown.”
No kidding. After 30 years of home schooling instead of a steak dinner I got Mickey Mouse ears and a parade.
It was incredible and NOTHING I would have ever planned.
The two Sanguine males in our family (my Sanguine daughter, Nikki we have always called “a party in a pants suit!”) decided that what we needed after all that Latin, mythology, calculus, and British lit was some well deserved scary rides and musical shows.
They weren’t wrong.
For a week we rode rides, played games, danced with larger than life Princesses (thank you Ariel and Snow White) and remembered all the “good ole days” of home schooling. Every family needs a Sanguine to remind the others to live a little and enjoy life–especially when it does not seem appropriate.
our choleric members
“I am not demanding that you do it my way, I am just saying that is the BEST way to do it.”
“I am coming up after you! You are the Mother and you have to take responsibility for me!” (Choleric daughter to the Choleric mother the day before daughter’s wedding!)
Admittedly, that day makes me smile today, but at the moment we weren’t smiling we were MAD and crying. My choleric “mini-me” needed to control that situation. She and I were both very task oriented and we needed to “get stuff done.” We just had differing views of what that “stuff” needed to be on that very important day. And… we didn’t want to lose each other. Choleric gals need power and control. But their need for loyalty is even fiercer so beware if they are threatened to lose a relationship they love. Their words can bite.
The temperaments are not right or wrong–they just ARE. Like our eye color they can describe who we are and how we will react in a situation. Loving our adult children means learning to speak in words and phrases they understand.
I might be saying, “I love you,” and they might be hearing, “I want to control you,” or “I love you but I don’t respect you.”
Taking the time to learn the temperaments of our adult children means they have a better chance of actually hearing what I am saying.
“I really don’t know what I will do if she doesn’t come home again this year.”
“It’s been five years since my kids came home for Christmas. But I keep waiting.”
“I feel like a child counting down the days till Christmas so I can see them all again.”
Parents of Adult Children Waiting on Christmas
A few of our kids and grands making s’mores while talking about Christmas!
Many of us as parents to adult children only see our kids a few times of year in person, under the best of circumstances. Unfortunately, some parents are carrying the weight of separateness and haven’t seen their kids for a few years and won’t see their adult children again this year. Waiting is hard.
who am I waiting on?
Waiting requires such strength that King Davis reminded us,
Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! Psalm 27:14.
In my own strength I lose heart in my waiting. When my daughter Charla and I were estranged for seven years I gave up hope OFTEN. But then some dear friend would remind me that in due time, Christ would bring her home to me. Although I missed my girl, I wasn’t waiting on her. I was waiting on God to return her to me. I may or may not see Charla by Christmas Day this year, but I will see her! I have already seen God’s goodness in her Christmas present to me…
Illuminated Scripture Journals to use in studying the Scripture. She sent me the Old Testament for Mother’s Day and now…The New Testament!
What to do in the waiting?
Often in my Facebook group with over 2,000 moms of adult children, I remind the group that people are attracted to ATTRACTIVE people. During my estrangement from Charla (and during my separateness with other kids) I kept a journal. There I could pour out my broken heart and all my hurt. But when I wrote her letters I did something different.
Then, as now, I worked hard at keeping an active, happy, attractive life. We planned vacations, family holidays and outings. Even though seeing the family pictures were missing an important member, I posted them rejoicing over the kids that WERE present and happy to be part.
During one season when another child was present physical but absent emotionally one of my daughters gave me a mug similar to this t-shirt…
Our kids are the best source of entertainment while we are waiting. Enjoy the ones that are close. Pray for the others while you are waiting.
Please note:
Practice Parenting will be celebrating Christmas from one household to the next for the next two weeks. See you guys in 2022 when we start out the year with a series on “Steps to Building Relationships.” Hope to see you then.
This week my oldest grandson moved out of his parents’ home and into his own apartment. He is 19 years old. He finished an associates’ degree last month and landed a great job with super benefits. He took a month to help his mom and dad with projects on their ranch and their construction business…then off to his own place, own business, own bills, and own ADULTING.
This was my daughter’s Facebook post the day they moved him into his apartment:
It’s official. He is all moved out of my nest and into his own. The Goal: Raise a kid that you really like. A kid that you *want* to be around. Raise your son to love Jesus with his whole heart. Strong enough to be a man who can stand on his own two feet. Brave enough to fight for what he believes in. Smart enough to get a great job that can provide for him but also inspires him to keep learning and growing . Teach your boy to know what matters and how to build a life he is proud of. Love him so stinking much it hurts.. #IUnderstoodTheAssignment @taylordavisjtd
It hurts. It hurts for us to love, live, and launch our adult children.
Another painful event
Also this week, our oldest son defended his dissertation in bioethics. While being a very active dad, John works as the legislative director for Texas Right to Life defending the most fragile in society. Even as he defended life and served as an elder in his church, our son published academic papers, spoke at nationwide conferences, took online and in person classes, and wrote a dissertation that passed with no revisions. Am I proud? YOU BET!!!
But as proud as I am today, I have also been sad and hurt in equal parts. Take the day I dropped him off at college for the very first time. John and I had driven halfway across the country for his college orientation. What a great three-days! We attended chapel, sat in on mock classes, met the staff, and moved him in to his first college dorm. Then it happened, John had to drop me off at the airport. We were devastated. Obviously, me more than John! On the plane ride home I cried so hard, the guy next to me asked if I had attended a funeral. Before I throat punched him, the flight attendant moved me to first class. Smart choice.
It’s a good hurt
Lots of parents of adult children tell horror stories of their adult children hurting them through neglect and selfishness. But all hurt is not created equal. The pain Rachelle felt as Taylor moved out happened because of all the hundreds of thousands of hours she worked to create, as she mentioned, a person she wanted to be around.
I was so devastated to leave John because we enjoyed being together, not just that week together, but for 17 years as I home schooled him. We shared so much joy during sports, music lessons, research papers, wake boarding, and school dances, then realized that particular joy was behind us.
I recommend that all parents of an adult child review the wonderful events and activities of their life often, verbally and visually with their kids. Reviewing life is painful as we age and realize those days are gone. It hurts. It is the good kind of hurt.
“I just can’t do all this preparing for them to say they aren’t coming at the last minute.”
“I just want them to be able to relax and enjoy the holiday. We aren’t making a fuss this year.”
“These are our traditions. My kids have to remember that even though they are grown, we are going to do things the same way we always have!”
Parents of Adult Children attempting to transition into their new roles
“I just can’t do all this preparing for them to say they aren’t coming at the last minute.”
“I just want them to be able to relax and enjoy the holiday. We aren’t making a fuss this year.”
“These are our traditions. My kids have to remember that even though they are grown, we are going to do things the same way we always have!”
Parents of Adult Children attempting to transition into their new roles
Being the parents to adult children involves a trade-off: what from the past do I hang on to and what is it time to leave behind?
Being parents to young children means creating predictable traditions that delight our children and give us joy as well. Often the traditions of the past don’t fit our new lifestyles–with time and energy limitations– or the lifestyles of our adult children –moving schedules and ever enlarging groups of friends to entertain.
Often when our growing brood of adult children “leave us behind” for the holiday, we get our feelings hurt. We forget that MANY nights as toddlers and teenagers we LONGED for a true “Silent Night!” We wanted them to grow and fly the coop, allowing us just ONE night of hot chocolate and a Hallmark movie. The sleepless toddler, the teen that needed a carpool to 15 Christmas parties and school events seems a distant memory! Maybe we are longing to have those hectic holidays back.
Yet, a few hours with your Christmas albums can bring you back to the reality that YES you are enjoying the fruit of your labor–time to think, rest, and reflect.
Don’t feel guilty that you enjoy looking at those albums! Don’t feel bad about thing about the good ole days. But you don’t need to live there!
All your good times are not behind you! I have a poster in my kitchen that states, “The best day of your life hasn’t even happened yet!” I truly believe that!
It becomes my job every day, especially at Christmas to make the “best day” the “next day.”
I think about what can I do to make this the best day for my adult children? What gift, large or small or act of kindness will they remember for the future?
What can I do to SURPRISE the adult kids? How can they see JOY in my day-to-day life, and especially my holiday life?
How can I communicate that my life of decorating cookies with little fingers in the icing, painting our own wrapping paper, and knowing they were shaking the presents under the tree are good MEMORIES? And more importantly how can I surprise them with NEW memories this year?
What are you doing to make the next day your best day during the holidays? I would love to hear from you.
Practice Parenting 