This is a series on how to survive the disappointments that come to our adult children. I would love your feedback and insight with ideas on how YOU have survived and helped your children survive. These are the topics in the series:
- Disappointed by an untrustworthy friend?
- Disappointed in a job situation?
- Disappointed in academic possibilities?
- Disappointed in marriage?
- Disappointed with infertility?
- Disappointed with rebellion from their children?
TODAY: DISAPPOINTED IN MARRIAGE
I never thought this would happen to me.
We were best friends. Now I am losing my husband and my best friend.
If you loved me mom, you would set up an intervention in our marriage.
“I just don’t know what to tell you. I have never been through this.” This was my harsh statement to my daughter when she was going through a divorce.
I was terrified. I WAS HELPLESS!
I had never experienced divorce or known anyone closely that had been through this horrific experience.
HOW WAS I GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS?
- Did I fail her?
- Was she failing me?
- What could we have controlled?
- Should I have refused to go to the wedding?
- Was this doomed from the start?
“This is totally illogical! He has never acted this way before! Why is he acting this way?” My response to my second daughter as she went through divorce was not much better. It never occurred to me that SUPPORTING MY GIRLS was the skill I was missing.
I believed the only way to help was to fix the marriage and bring the husband back home and put the happy family back together.
FEAR OF MY INABILITY PARALYZED ME FROM BENEFITTING MY ADULT DAUGHTERS.
Some things I thought that ARE NOT TRUE:
- I need to villainize the future ex. (This invalidates all the character training you have given your child. We are tempted to say terrible things about another human being.)
- I need to come up with ways to distract her from the pain. (This invalidates the need to process her pain.)
- I need to be available 24/7. (This invalidates legitimate boundaries, always needed in an emotional situation.)
Best practices to support during marriage disappointments:
- Recommend a therapist or counselor that you KNOW has given good advice in the past
- Speak truth into the situation
- Offer to watch children so the couple can get away and reconnect
- Cry–be emotionally supportive during this heartbreaking time–be empathic
- Encourage both parties to see their way into a better future
What are some ways you have helped your adult children recover from disappointment in marriage? I would love to hear your comments on how you supported your dear ones during this difficult times.
THIS WEEK ANYONE WHO COMMENTS BELOW WITH ONE IDEA ON HOW TO ENCOURAGE WILL RECEIVE A DOWNLOADABLE MINI-POSTER OF SCRIPTURES THAT ENCOURAGE STRENGTH.