“It’s not a crime that my daughter needs attention.”
“He did a great job on that paper; make sure you tell him!”
“She really needs a little peace and quiet right now. We can talk later.”
“A good ‘to do’ list will perk her right up every time!”
Parents of Adult Children describing the needs of their kids
Knowing the temperaments of our adult children helps us to know their needs.
Last weekend I sent a group text with a link asking for all my kids to take the Temperament Test. After they took it they all posted on our family What’s App the results. Before I sent them the link, I wrote down what temperament I thought they were.
Oh Brother! Was I surprised!
I am a choleric married to a choleric. You can imagine. A choleric needs to feel that we are responsible, decisive and good at delegating. We excel at managing projects and that often leaves the other one in our relationship feeling like a project to be managed. With a tendency toward becoming loud and controlling, as parents we often found ourselves “checking” the other to pump the brakes on our emotions. With all this energy we knew we would raise a whole family of LOUD aggressive world changers…
You think I would have learned after raising teenagers that you can never predict them!
Only one of my kids turned up choleric!!! What? I think I was confusing leadership for bossiness! My girls are leaders but they don’t exhibit bossiness and they don’t have a need to take credit for their work, like a choleric. They just want the work to GET DONE!!
get it done
One of my most “get it done” gals tests as melancholy! Well of course NOW I get that is why she is so good with the clients on their building projects. She gets their need for sensitivity to the color of their tile and texture of their carpet! Since melancholic humans also need words of support I get how great it makes her feel for her dad to always ask about her projects.
Although she “knows how to work a room” Rachelle has always told us she was introverted and needed space and silence. Her scores proved she wasn’t fibbing about that!
respect, harmony, lack of stress and worth
Three of my children ranked as phlegmatic, which means they value respect, harmony, lack of stress, and a feeling of worth. Growing up in a home of eight children apparently made them appreciate HARMONY. Several began in the world as overachievers, always good in sports, and brilliant in school. Accolades came easy from friends, coaches, and me, their mother. It wasn’t until they were adults, that one of them told me that praise for his work was not the same as giving him a feeling of worth. In recent days I have attempted to comment on their character, their kindness, their attitudes toward their children, and impart what great humans I believe they are.
complimenting the temperaments
When she was 14 one of my “now-daughters” was a friend who moved into our house as a best friend to another daughter of ours. Nikki was God’s gift to us that year because of her beautiful fun spirit. Our daughter, Rachelle, Nikki’s best friend at the time, was experiencing severe depression over the loss of her grandfather. Nikki’s sanguine accepting, affectionate personality rubbed up against Rachelle’s need for support and safety during that very blue period. Even now every big birthday or special event features Nikki as the party planner. Recently she DJ’ed our school staff dance and the entire faculty was able to feed her the words she loves to hear: how she brings the magnetic attention to everything she does.
never too old
As a grandmother of 21 grands, I must always be learning something new. Even though speaking the words that fill up my children is new to me I am learning. The book which is teaching me much of this info comes with a workbook and even an app with videos of a therapist talking to actual persons with these temperaments. The book, I Said This You Heard That, came to me as a gift and a true gift it has been. Kathleen Edelman, the author, sharply executes the lessons in ways that make the material stand out for your retention.
I hope you learn the language of your adult children.
Practice Parenting 