Can I expect them to come see me on a regular basis?
What can I reasonably ask from them?
Is it ever OK to ask for them to meet our needs?
“Blessed is he who has no expectations because he will never be disappointed.”
On a picture of a sad looking puppy dog, the above quote stated my inner desire for my mother-in-law. Having been in the middle between my gracious old-fashioned MIL and my ambitious husband for over a year, I was torn apart.
On the above plaque, which I gave her for Mother’s Day, I shared my frustration, gave a corrective lesson, and practiced the passive aggressive nature I would exhibit for the next seven years.
My dear MIL had ranted in private to me for 18-months how much her son, my newlywed husband, had ignored and mistreated her. Although, we started our marriage with her loving appreciation–our desires for our future had separated us. Ted’s mom wanted us to buy a small house across the street from her and live a quiet life of predictable behaviors. Our dream included continuing to grow our ministry and businesses, and move to a larger city. My MIL continued to express her disappointment in our lack of sensitivity and loving attention to her.
Setting expectations sets us up for a back-fire of resentment, disappointment, and sorrow.
My MIL was aging. She wanted someone close to love and support her. Her fear of growing older clouded what she normally would have asked of us. I couldn’t see that her unreal expectations were grounded in fear.
I need to see that sometimes my unrealistic expectations are also grounded in fear. Facing my fear of growing older can help me destroy those crazy predictions I have for my adult children.
Someday, our adult children will be our caregivers. Get over it. It is true.
Even though right now they still need our wisdom, financial advice, and physical support by baby-sitting, soon all that will be totally reversed.
Before long, our adult children will aid us with memory care, financial planning, and decisions concerning physical environment and care.
When Ted and I decided to home school, I remember one radical home education friend saying, “If we send them to an institution like the public school now, they will send us to an institution like a nursing home when we are old.”
My response? “REALLY?” I just couldn’t imagine my eight and three-year-old sacking me away in a nursing home! How naively short-sighted I viewed the world.
When would I learn: I will grow old. Eventually my children will either help me make or entirely make decisions concerning my health, wealth, and well-being.
Expectations for my adult children must currently include the expectation that they will be growing, learning, achieving, and planning for their own futures.
When my well-being is in their hands, after all these years of being on the planning and giving end, I know they will be prepared. There is a sense of reverse child-support.
I have supported them and this support equips them to support me. Confidently, I know that they will have my very best interest as their own expectation.
Heavy topic, right? What do you think? I would love your feedback on this perspective of expectations from and for our adult children.
Practice Parenting 