Tag: bold

Bold & Courageous in Praying for Them

Occasionally, my children need bold and courageous prayers beyond what seems appropriate. Friends have asked, “Can you really pray that about your kids?” As long as scripture does not contradict what one of my children asks me to pray I feel it is totally permissible.

Circling our kids in prayer…everyone of them. Every day. Why? Because parenting Adult Children is harder than I expected it to be… I love them more…it’s like being a new mom all over again.

Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

New International Version

Joshua 1:9 was the verse Ted and I chose starting September 1… and here we are… 40 plus days later… being as bold and courageous as we know how…every morning and every evening praying for our kids name upon name…purpose upon purpose… but little did we know…

Me telling the truth in my journal about 40 day of praying for my Adult Children

Our church has been in a 40 Day Challenge to “circle in prayer” our concerns day and night. We are challenged to pray in new ways; pray more often; and fast one or more items in our daily lives to remind ourselves to pray instead of worry, criticize, or complain.

Praying for our adult kids is a bold move. Praying seems so simple. Praying seems mandatory. But then…the reality sets in…we have no idea how to pray. I want to know WHO they are. I want to know WHAT they need. I want to know WHERE they are. But all I need to know is WHO they serve.

Once I ask the simple question, “How can I pray for you?” I see very clearly what they serve and where their true treasures lie. Sometimes this is heartbreaking because my kids don’t get the “big picture” of what really matters…according to…ME.. Oh DANG it. I am just like them…I need to realign what and WHO is really important in my prayer life.

More honesty …

I know if I can align my DESIGN to the DESIGN of the Father then I will pray in His will and we BOTH will be more fulfilled and happier. But…my selfish desires get in the way… my flesh and pride and lust and my CRAZY TO DO LIST are so distracting. Even the GREAT purposes He has for me seem to get lost in the other good things that I can accomplish today on the way to the one thing He has for me. Obviously, my kids get distracted to the GOOD AWAY FROM THE GREAT.

Back to my kids…poor guys.

In praying for them often I have to pray 360 degrees all the way around them! I have to start with:

“Bless their mind and that knowledge they received when they went to school or I home schooled them, and make that knowledge obey YOUR command to the good, the true, and the beautiful. Bless their bodies and may they function in full health as You designed in the Garden before we corrupted everything. Keep their bodies from addictions and abuse. May they never be abused or be an abuser. Heal them from their past hurts. Forgive them and show them how to forgive themselves. Consecrate their hearts for your service. Reveal their sin to them and show them how to repent quickly. Allow them to celebrate the return to your presence. Keep them ever close to You and to each other. MAY THEY CLEARLY HEAR YOUR VOICE. Amen.”

Daily I keep a journal of where they are in their businesses, family life, health, and friendships. When I don’t know where they are in those areas I realize I can’t pray for them well.

“He prayeth well, who loveth well
Both man and bird and beast.

He prayeth best, who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us,
He made and loveth all.”

Samuel Coleridge Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner

Occasionally, my children need bold and courageous prayers beyond what seems appropriate. Friends have asked, “Can you really pray that about your kids?” As long as scripture does not contradict what one of my children asks me to pray I feel it is totally permissible.

I have prayed for A’s on college exams; wins for sports teams; people to say “yes” to proposals; two pink lines on a pregnancy test (I have never prayed for only one pink line–even though I think at least one of my kids wanted me to do that!–more than once; job promotions; job relocations; that the kid would get caught when acting unethically; that the kid would escape harm when innocent; verbal defense against slander; legal defense against injustice; miraculous healing; salvation and sanctification. Just to name a few.

I keep a prayer board with sticky notes for ongoing prayers. Daily I write prayer requests and draw circles around their ongoing desires and needs. I also have a prayer bowl filled with prayer requests from my kids and other folks who send me their requests on a weekly basis. I keep the journal on the kitchen counter; the prayer board hangs in my bathroom; the prayer bowl sits on my office desk. I don’t want to go anywhere in my house without thinking, “Are you praying for your kids?”

I am old. My memory is bad. I want LOTS OF REMINDERS.

My kids need prayers 24/7. I can’t fight their battles, but I know someone who can.

I must be bold and courageous in praying for my adult children because the world, the enemy, and their own demons will be fearless in fighting against them.

How do you pray for your adult children?

Bold & Courageous In Lowering Your Expectations

Knowing when and how far to lower my expectations calls for boldness, courage. The boldness includes knowledge of my adult child.

“If I don’t hold the bar nobody will…”

“This is not the way I raised him…”

“She knows better than this…”

“He could do so much better than this…”

Parents of Adult Children who can’t accept the present

“Baby, it’s your life now. Your mom loves you. She wants what is best for you. If this new career is what makes you happiest that is what she wants for you. It doesn’t matter that is is not what you studied for. ” That was my recent conversation with an adult child of a good friend of mine.

The truth: it was not a hard conversation to have because the young woman was making a choice between two good options. All of life is not that easy.

What about when your child is UNDER or UNemployed for long period of time? What about my friend who struggles with conversations with her adult daughter since the daughter engages in dangerous life choices? How can my friend continue in a relationship with her adult son whose daily life puts himself, his wife, and his children at risk?

Lowering my expectations for my kid to receive an offer from her first choice to her second choice of college options fails to stop our communication or wreck our relationship. However, when my adult children ask me to lower my expectations so that the most I can hope for is that they will eke out a living and need to borrow money from their father and me for the rest of their life, I must draw a line in the sand.

When I perform a task for my adult children that they can and should provide for themselves I become their enabler–not their friend or helper.

Knowing when and how far to lower my expectations calls for boldness and courage. The boldness includes knowledge of my adult child. I must know:

  • My child’s past
  • My child’s current struggles
  • My child’s physical and mental health
  • My child’s relationships–especially those that might be toxic to him/her
  • My child’s influences–spiritual, mental, physical
  • The best to do the BEST thing for this child

Since NO two people are alike, no two paths or choices for our adult children will be the same. We must determine which path is BEST for THIS child. When we must TEMPORARILY lower our expectations for this child, how do we communicate this information for this child without devastating him?

How can I demonstrate that this decision is a detour not a death sentence? How can our decision present as a delay, not disappointment in our CHILD?

What does being bold and courageous in lowering your expectations look like in your family? I would love to hear from you.

Bold & Courageous with Joy

“Today I am going to be open about my life with my adult kids. And I am going to do it without gritting my teeth…”

“How can I truly enjoy connecting with these kids who have outgrown me?”

“I always plan these family dinners to be happy feasts and they turn out to be times of disappointments for all of us…when can we get back to just having fun as parents and kids?”

“I realize that now that my kids have seen the world, I have to work harder to be enough of an entertainment for them.”

Parents with Adult Children who have lost the magic

Albert Einstein once observed two ways of living one’s life, “one as if nothing is a miracle; the other is as though everything is a miracle.” Too many times as parents of adult children we present our outings, family dinners, “just hanging out” as as EVENT.

TRUTH: We need to be BOLD with JOY of LIFE.

Instead of performing for our adult children we need to celebrate our own lives and invite our adult kids to join the parade.

Often (especially in the fall when students have left home for the first or second year of college) parents feel sad, depressed, even resentful when their adult children call home or visit.

Unfortunately, a residue or gloom or sorrow invades our persona instead of the atmosphere of JOY and GRATITUDE.

What can you do to CHANGE the mood and thus the ENTIRE EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR ADULT CHILDREN?

Before the next family event, take a few minutes to pray and journal. Write several experiences from your past you are grateful for with this child. Repeat aloud the words, “I am grateful for _____ right now because of her ____.” Breathe in deeply the feeling joy and hope. Sound crazy? That is where the COURAGE comes in! Don’t be afraid of sounding CRAZY to yourself. (You might need to try this experiment when you are alone!)

In our achievement oriented society, we focus on the dinner or lunch or event to share with our adult children. We focus on the menu, the china, the setting. We want everything to be PERFECT and in that focus we arrive at the time exhausted and fatigued.

When we exhaust ourselves in preparation we inhabit the unspoken expectation that “this better be worth it.” What are we expecting? We truly set ourselves up for disappointment. A gratitude killer is the statement, “today could have been better.”

Instead, let’s turn the picture around: let’s breathe, pray, rest, order pizza, get out the scrapbooks, board games. Let’s SMILE in the mirror.

Recently, one husband changed one word in his vocabulary that turned EVERYTHING around in our morning routine.

As we stand in front of our respective mirrors and get ready for the day, instead of saying, “I have to do this today,” now Ted says, “I GET to…”

Yep, such a simple change of attitude. It makes us both smile. And that is contagious. When we are with our adult kids we make that (and a few others that I will share next week) verbal change and watch the game change.

Sometimes we have to be BOLD and COURAGEOUS about spreading JOY!

When our culture says, “go with the flow!”; when the status quo says “it is appearance that counts!” ; when it would be much easier just to turn on a movie instead of a turn on a conversation with your adult children… be bold and courageous and instead of bringing

PERFECTION to the party… BRING JOY!!!

What is your favorite way to bring joy to the lives of your adult children? I can’t wait to hear from you.