New Year, New You! Old Family

“I am determined to do better at listening to him this year…but he never changes. As soon as we start talking about him going back to work he starts yelling at me like he is 13-years-old again! “

” I committed to my daughter I would stay out of her parenting affairs but what can I do when she neglects the kids in front of me?”

“He is really a good kid. I need to focus on that. He is trying to finish his Masters Degree and just can’t work right now. I want to be understanding when he doesn’t help with chores, but his irresponsibility really rubs me the wrong way.”

–Parents who made a commitment to make this year better with their adult children

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My dad use to say, “When all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.” Many of us made commitments to make 2021 a better year in our relationships with our adult children. We love making commitments and resolving to do a better job in parenting our adult children. However, reality sets in.

A relationship is a two-way street. We can only drive the relationship from one seat. The other seat is driven by someone else.

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We truly CANNOT change our adult children through our own actions, resolutions, or beliefs. We can ONLY change ourselves.

One of the more irritating ideas on the planet is that I cannot change the behavior of any other person by coercing, loving, bribing, or reasoning. Change happens within a person when that person DECIDES that change is the best path for them.

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I do me…You get to do you

The adage of “live and let live” sounds terrific if we are giving advice to someone else. However, when it comes to our own children, we want to “live and tell you how to live.” Or better yet we hope we can, “live and you will want to live the way I do…” Heavy sigh.

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Years ago a beautiful set of parents came to my husband (he was their pastor) and asked him for help. They were desperate! Their 19-year-old son wanted to move out halfway across the country to pursue a career in…maybe it was film, or cooking school. Whatever the desire it was NOT the desire of the parents. The parents had homeschooled this young man who was at the top of the SAT scores that year. He had attended one year at a prestigious engineering school. Now, it seemed he was “throwing it all away to pursue a pipe-dream.” I sat silently (hard to believe, I know) in this meeting as these parents poured out their broken hearts.

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What followed was genius:

Ted (my pastor husband): Remind me about his growing up and what you guys really emphasized at home.

Parents: We entered him in debate contests. We sent him to leadership training. He won math competitions. He won speech contests. He took piano and guitar. He was totalled well rounded and talented at everything!

Ted: So, what I hear you saying is that you raised him to be a leader, right?

Parents: YES!!!!

Ted: Isn’t that what he is doing? Leading his own life. Isn’t it time to stand back and watch him play out his leadership?

Mike drop.

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what doesn’t kill us…makes us pray

Is it easy allowing my children to pursue their own hopes and dreams? Of course not. Is it painful to watch as my adult child goes down a path that almost certainly will end in disaster? Yes.

But the only alternative is insanity.

No amount of yelling, pleading, bribing, or cajoling will change your adult child’s mind to do things your way–long term. Your fighting with your adult child about his path may drive him away. Your bribing your daughter may convince her to bend to your will TODAY. But tomorrow a new decision and a new path will eventually lead her away.

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Do we stop advising? NEVER. When the child ASKS we give sound, prayer-filled advice. But our advice reflects all other choices–our children are free to accept it and walk in it–or reject it and leave it on the table.

True. We have walked this path before and know more than they do. True. If they would do things our way we could save them some heartache. True. They are going to make some SERIOUS mistakes. But patiently, we allow them to own their own mistakes. And we wait while they make their path. We never block that road of communication.

Decisions don’t have to be deadly. Failures aren’t fatal. As they make mistakes we get better and better at praying…don’t we?

What are you praying for in your child’s life today? Change from the inside is the only change that lasts. Let’s pray for that today.

I would love to hear from you.

I C U–Conflict

The next 5 blogs are on the theme of I C U– as in, “an INTENSIVE CARE approach to I SEE YOU!”– doing what it takes to show up and SEE our adult children.

Raising our kids we knew their favorite color, foods they loved and hated, and their strengths and weaknesses. Now, we enter the arena of parenting to ADULTS. Do we know them or just our own created views based on their younger selves?

What are the “c” words it takes to truly cultivate a relationship with the person that is our adult child?

This week we look at handling conflict!

“We never fight but I feel something is wrong between us.”

“We fight all the time. I can’t do anything right around her.”

“I act like everything is OK because I hate to fight.”

Parents struggling with how to manage conflict with their adult children

This Easter was very different for us…read on for the info on what we did to redeem Easter from COVID 19.

A variety of obstacles exist which may impede good communication between use and our adult children.

In his best selling book, Overcoming the Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni categorizes obstacles of team into four areas: individual obstacles, relationship obstacles, environmental obstacles, and informational obstacles. Viewing our relationship with our adult children as “teamwork” provides us the opportunity to break down the disconnect between our adult children and ourselves and focus on resolving the conflict.

Our third of five stops included this drop off to these three cute girls… Keep reading to see how it ended…

Individual Obstacles

Even though our kids grew up with us, we may not truly understand their individual limitations. Many young adults struggle with feelings of self-esteem and a limited belief in their own ability. Because of these feelings, self-doubt and insecurity can hinder their ability to open up to us. Self conscious people struggle with being transparent, even with those they love. Perhaps our adult child appears confident, even overly confident, to us. This apparent arrogance may be hiding feelings of inadequacy. Another individual obstacle young people possess, is their lack of experience. A friend of mine told her 19-year-old daughter, “You are new at this adulting thing. You can’t expect to get it right everytime.” In addition to self consciousness and lack of experience, our young adult children also suffer from lack of knowledge. They do not own the skills of diplomacy and tact that we should possess as mature adults. Often, we have to model the style of communication we want with our kids when we would rather just ignore their lack of ability to settle a conflict.

I was completely composed until these two yelled, “Grandmommy! Wait! We miss you too much!” Social distancing is a conflict I obviously didn’t fight well.

Relationship Obstacles

In many families the events of childhood and teen years linger in the minds and hearts of parents. If our adult child built a reputations as an impulsive and fool-hearted teen, we may have trouble trusting them with decisions now. All of us have a past. We all need a fresh start and clean slate when dealing with conflict. We need to overcome our feelings of betrayal to build a bridge to our adult child. Being the parents does not entitle us to always feel superior in a conflict. As parents we must remove our positional status and seek to be on the same “team” as our adult child. If we truly desire a close relationship with our adult child, we must accept their differences in style, organization, and preference. We must seek to remove all hindrances in our relationship of the past if we want to resolve the conflict of the present. Only when we forgive and clear the hurt, can we move forward in this relationship.

One of our daughters has a respiratory illness, so we bunnies masked and gloved before we put out the sterilized plastic eggs.

Environmental Obstacles

Living separately from our adult children may cause small matters to escalate faster than when we all lived under the same roof. On the other hand, living apart gives us more space and time to consider the conflict between us. Perhaps the culture of our home was chaotic or hectic. Now our adult children may live a more relaxed lifestyle. If we are judgmental, we may view their choice as lazy and unproductive. Not allowing our adult children to control their own environment the way they desire will produce conflict, either passively or aggressively. Some of us experience sadness and isolation because our adult children have moved far away. These emotions may cause us to be more assertive in demands that the kids come see us for vacations or holidays. Often we find ourselves hunting our children. No one likes to be hunted. Typically, the more we chase after our adult children, the more they run from us.

This Easter we were quarantined and unable to have our large Easter gathering and egg dying party. Rather than sulk and demand our kids find some way to make the holiday special, we decided to serve our adult kids. On Saturday we made five stops where we hid plastic eggs filled with treats and coins for the grandkids to find. After driving 402 miles and hiding 200 Easter eggs we were exhausted–but our love tank and the love tanks of our children and grands were full.

It takes work to overcome environmental obstacles, but overcoming them produces a stronger team.

Even though their daddy had to work, the bunny’s second stop was to these sweet sisters who will be joined by another sister next month!

Informational Obstacles

The last league of obstacles may be the most political. Our adult children often have very different opinions than we do. Recently a mom with three grown sons commented, “Who raised those boys? Whatever I say they have a completely different view!” Another friend told me she has become the master of the phrase, “Well, that is one way to look at it.” Some of the idea differences our adult children and ourselves have, may be our perspective of the past. Are there still events that I remember one way and my adult kids remember differently? You bet! On more than one occasion I have told my middle son, “Honey, that is not how I remember that.” His revisionist history paints me in a much better light than I deserve. Seeking his forgiveness for my irrational behavior I have repented more than once. After my well rehearsed apology typically I hear him say, “Mom, you are way to hard on yourself. You didn’t really ….(fill in the blank: a. scream at me b. lose your mind c. threaten to sell me to the gypsies) you were great.” Other moms don’t have it this easy. Their grown kids don’t possess such a benevolent perspective. One mom with five grown kids say her kids will not speak to her because she stayed in an abusive marriage until they were out of the house. Another mom with three adult girls tells me that her girls won’t visit because she divorced their dad when they were in middle school. Every decision in our lives can be disputed. The key is keep talking and keep listening to the reasoning behind their opinion.

Our first stop of the day was to this two-year-old who was over the moon at finding the eggs all by himself!

It All Starts with our Attitude

As the mature parent, we have to embrace the concept that conflict builds, not tears down, relationships. When we show our adult kids that we will not run or hide from their conflict they learn to trust us.

When we show up as they are hurting and hurting us, we prove that we value them more than being uncomfortable.

No one enjoys conflict. However, learning to stay in the uncomfortable moment for the sake of our relationship with our adult children, signifies as love and acceptance that cannot be matched by anything else.

Our last stop for the day was in Austin, Texas where we had to social distance from these sweet kids because Dad had been exposed earlier in the week.

What are some of your conflict resolutions tactics with your adult children? I would love your feedback.

Setting Relationship Goals with your Adult Children

Do you set New Year’s goals?

Gonna lose weight?

Gonna earn more money?

Set a goal to improve your relationship with your adult children. Here are four simple tips: 

• Setting relationship goals with our adult children is not a one size fits all proposition. The way I treat my eldest son is very different from the way I treat my youngest daughter. However, I can improve both relationships. I need to set goals to connect with both of them in 2019. Thinking of their love languages helps me connect uniquely with that adult child. 
  • We often speak our own love language to our adult children and can’t figure out why don’t feel loved. Be curious in knowing their love language. (See my previous blog posts on that topic explaining each love language and how to speak it to your adult child!)
  • As parents to adult children we leave the past in the past. Regardless of how rebellious they were as teens or the crazy antics they performed as adolescents–we approach them as adults now.

• Time ALONE with our adult children pays big dividends in terms of insight and info. Although as teens they may have run from us, while pursuing other relationships, as they mature they want more time with us. And what do we do with the time? We listen–more curiosity needed. We remove the judgmental filters that cause us to think, “Well, that’s dumb. Why do you think that?” I often told my teen daughters, “You are not held accountable for what you DO NOT SAY!” I take my own advice often now.

• Can you be interested in what they are interested in? Can you listen to them talking about what they are engaged with now? One of our daughters is in school so Ted and I are back in school. One son loves to talk about cars–so we listen about cars.  Building a relationship means building interest in their interest.
  • We tune in to their intellectual and emotional wavelength. We engage them in THEIR LIFE not ours. We must get to know THEM.  Recently someone gave me the great compliment, “You are a student of your kids.” Yep, I work at knowing them. 

• Noah St. John suggests, we ask to improve the relationship with two questions, “On the scale of one to ten where do you see our relationship?” When the person answers anything less than 10 your next question is, “What can I do to make our relationship a 10?” Then LISTEN and take action on what your adult child suggests.

We CAN improve our relationship with our adult children. Like ALL goals this one will take a PLAN and WORK! But what is more important? As we all know, the most important things in life are not things at all. 

Happy New Year.

What are some goals you have for your relationship with your adult children this year? I would love to hear them! Drop them in the comments below!